Control. For most of my life, I’ve had it backwards. I thought if I could control my environment — other people, schedules, circumstances — then I could escape the storm that was going on inside of me. Whenever life slipped out of my grip, anxiety surged and energy built up until I felt like I might burst.
My survival strategies always looked the same: numb the feelings with something or burn them off by running and working out. I never really had to sit with what was happening inside me. Even during the many years I dedicated to healing, I still managed to keep a grip on my environment. My external control and rigorous triathlon training kept me from facing the deeper issues. It’s funny because I prayed all the time to surrender and if you asked me then, I thought I had. I thought I had given the control of my life to Jesus. But meanwhile, I had a firm grip on every aspect of it.
Then, I became a mother, and suddenly, I was out of control every single day with no way to escape the feelings bubbling up inside me.
With one baby, I could still keep a grip on things for the most part — planning and preparing my way through each day. But now, with both a toddler and an infant, that sense of control has slipped through my fingers. No amount of preparation can hold back the unpredictability of two little ones needing me at the same time.
Motherhood has stripped away my old coping mechanisms and forced me to face what’s happening inside of me.
This became especially clear during this last year. After Madison was born in January, our family moved to a small town near Greenville, TX while Jonathon worked on a project there. The first week he went back to work, I was just three weeks postpartum — alone in an RV with two babies who both needed me at the same time — and I was falling apart. There were days when all I could do was sit on the floor, holding them both while we cried together. I ended up going through postpartum depression in that time and things got really dark in mind. As much as I tried to fight it, I still kept telling myself “I can’t do this,” “I shouldn’t be a mother,” and even “they would be better off without me” when things were really bad.
But God was faithful. He taught me through it that I had to speak His truth out loud and stop partnering with the enemy and speaking lies over myself. I had to take up the sword of the spirit and wield it as a weapon against the lies. Over and over, I declared His truth and promises, my identity in him and my calling as a mother.
The spoken word of God exposed the lies and pulled me out of the depression. I don’t know how to say it other than that. I started speaking the word of God and not long after that, the dark thoughts were gone. That was such a pivotal moment for me in my walk with Jesus. I had always known the power of the Word but I had never really used it.
We stayed in the RV for several months after this and I got a lot of opportunities to practice this. I still failed, A LOT, but I also overcame a lot and kept coming back to the Word. I was working remote during this time and my mother-in-law was helping me during the day. I also had Jonathon home every night to help me and that took a lot of the pressure off me.
When the project stretched on and we returned to Houston in August, everything shifted again and it was not what I expected. I planned on us all coming back to Houston together and was looking forward to finally being home. (I don’t know if you have ever lived in an RV with two babies and a dog but that was another area I was stretched!) When the time finally came to go home, Jonathon had to stay behind to finish the project. Suddenly, I was back in the office full-time with both girls in daycare. I quickly had to learn how to manage both girl’s needs by myself at home along with the transition and everything else. What I thought I had begun to master in our time in the RV quickly came crumbling down around me.
In the beginning, I cried almost every night after putting the girls to bed. I prayed desperately, begging the Lord to heal me, begging Him to bring Jonathon home, to change the situation. Also, I have to be completely honest, there was a lot of yelling at Him too. I was so angry at Him because Jonathon was not home and I was alone again. The entire time I was pregnant with Madison, Jonathon was also working on this project and it was so hard being alone. I hated being here again. I hated him being gone. And I was mad at God because He could fix it and He wouldn’t. Instead, I had to face myself as day after day, the same triggers sent me spiraling into frustration or breakdowns. Despite what I learned previously in the RV, I found myself circling back to the same old lies: “I can’t do this” or “Lord, you picked the wrong person for this” and as I continued to speak these lies out, they became my reality, day after day.
One sleepless night, I came across a video of a young man with a severe disability. He was talking about how he doesn’t pray for healing because there must be another purpose for it all. God doesn’t make mistakes and is the author of tomorrow. It convicted me and got me thinking. He knew exactly what He was doing when He placed me here. He could change the situation in an instant if He wanted to and He wasn’t. Which meant it must not be the situation that needed to change. It must be me. It seemed the very thing I desperately wanted to escape from was the very thing He was leading me to.
His ways are not my ways at all. I’ve always prayed for and longed for healing. My first blog was titled ‘Becoming Whole.’ I have always wanted Him to fix me. But I am coming to finally believe that He truly just wants to spend time with me, for me to invite Him into everything, to learn with Him and surrender each moment. And He is so faithful. He eventually reminded me again of the truth He taught me in the RV and the power I had against the lies. But He also walked through the emotions, the doubts, all of it with me once again to remind me of His unconditional love for me. He used it all to show me how gently and tenderly He leads me. I titled this blog ‘He Gently Leads Me’ after Isaiah 40:11:
He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
I have clung to this verse more times than I can count since becoming a mother, clinging to the promise that even when it doesn’t feel like it, He is leading me. Even as I write this, I can see how He has gently led me here. He exposed the sin in my heart and led me to repentance; He covered me in grace and taught me how to overcome. Patiently, He gave me space to practice what I was learning, all while preparing me for the moment when this struggle would surface again—so that He could bring me to the end of myself and truly heal me. I believe He is healing me through this, even if it’s not in the way I would have chosen. Each time I pause, breathe, pray, and speak His truth instead of giving in to the lies, my mind is being renewed, and I am being transformed into His image.
“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” – Ezekiel 36:26
“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” – Romans 12:2